Carlo Ancelotti gives Andre Villas-Boas some unsolicited advice
Hey, turkeys. It’s your old pal Carlo back again, this time with a very important word of advice for Andre Villas-Boas. But you can all read it, because, hey, what do I care?
I know we’ve never met, Andre, and I know people must think I don’t like you since you took my job after I was sacked for winning the double. Well, I don’t. I got a boatload of money and now I get to suck down cigarettes three at a time while drinking coffee outside the McDonald’s near my house. It’s a pretty great life, I’m not going to lie.
Enough about how good I’m doing — you’ve gone like four months without winning a trophy and you’re in some trouble. You went from being the king of the kiddie table to sitting up on the dais with a Russian billionaire looking over your shoulder and wondering why you’re not eating your peas. Listen, Andre. It doesn’t matter if you eat the peas. Trust me. I ate the peas, I started Fernando Torres, I did it all. And still I got sacked.
What happens if you don’t eat the peas? You get karate chopped in the neck by Vladamir Putin. I’ve been there too. So just do what you want and whatever happens, happens. My Mayan friend, Teddy, says the world’s gonna end in 2012 anyway, so just enjoy yourself and be sure to keep a bunch of those Dolce & Gabbana jackets with the club crest at your house. Those suckers have excellent street value.
Rafa Benitez, do you have any advice for Andre?
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Babies.
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Haha I love this guy! What a weirdo. Anyway, if that helps you somehow, Andre, then “babies” it is. But remember the thing about the peas too. That’s important.
Oh and one more thing — Andriy Shevchenko wants a pen pal. So if you feel like talking to an aging Ukrainian man who loves Jersey Shore and crying about sad looking dolls, go for it. More power to you. Because I can’t do it.
Arrivederci.
Photos: Getty, AP